Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
