Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
