Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
