this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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