can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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