I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
