I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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