My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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