I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
