i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
