SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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