I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
