i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
