Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
