the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
