If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
