R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
