she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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