Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We were destined to go to rehab together
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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