Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
