omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
