Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
