His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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