I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
