**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
