It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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