Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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