So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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