I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
