There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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