I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
