Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
