paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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