I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
