he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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