I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
