Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
this beer tastes like vomit already
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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