WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
