Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's shark week go big or go home
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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