Umm I'm too high to move.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
