Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
