got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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