Your tits are I can't wait for
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
