Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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