also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm both gender and math confused
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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