her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
