I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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