Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
