why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
