If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
